A Moment of Respite

[delta_one]

Things had been quiet the past month - Jason had made a rather commanding statement to the powers in Treadstone that he was not to be looked for, which had bought them a quiet life on the beach. Marie gave tours, engaged the locals and he kept to the background, managed the books and worked on maintaining the equipment.

They didn't want for much, not with the accounts he had access to, but they lived modestly all the same. Marie worked during the day and David wrote. Some days it was only random snippets in other languages. Arabic. Farsi. Urdu. Other days it was code that even he couldn't put together. Delta One. Cain. But Marie encouraged him to keep at it, to keep trying to find some trigger to his memories, something to help him put it together again.

Some days David wasn't sure he wanted to know.

He slid out of bed early that morning, careful not to disturb Marie. For just a moment, he reached down to gently smooth back her hair. His light. He'd be lost without her. Truly lost.

David bypassed the journal on the kitchen table. Time to make coffee and simply drink in the sunrise.

Comments

[reluctantaccessory]

She had been in a dreamless sleep when she began to stir by his fingers smoothing back her hair. It was not a particularly restful sleep, but it was peaceful enough for her liking and certainly one that she felt herself quickly teetering back into until his footsteps had begun to sound and become distant. That was enough to wake her up. Was it another bad dream? Or was it something else? Those and dozens of other worries that never left popped into her head. Though, she was thankful that he was trying to write. As long as he tried to find a trigger to his memories, the better off he would be. One day, if not sooner.

Marie had made up her mind that she would work as hard she had to. It was a nice way to build some sort of a normal life, if not normal then just a quiet one. It was a nice way to pass the time and it made me feel as if she was helping, not a liability but truly helping in some small way. She worried about not pulling her own weight or not being of use. Especially, when the nightmares happened and he would get up and go into another room in the middle of the night.

Her eyes opened slowly as he left the room. She slowly sat up, allowing the blankets still around her to fall before looking at the clock across the room. It was early. Long before the time she normally woke up even. She stretched a little bit and got up, making sure to make footsteps loud enough (without it becoming stomping) to alert him that she was up and moving around. She pulled on her clothes quickly and ran the hairbrush that sat on the one table in the room through her hair before following him.

[delta_one]

David's head tilted a fraction as he heard those deliberate sounds Marie made, smiling faintly. Always mindful of him. He doesn't know what he might have done to earn her care and compassion for someone so broken, but he will always be grateful for it.

There were nights that had been harder - plagued with nightmares and so concerned that he might lash out and hurt her, David tended to leave the bedroom and sometimes leave the house completely. He was a dangerous man and there was always the chance that something might bring Jason swimming to the surface again. Better to remove himself from the house to keep her safe.

Not today. David was at peace, sliding his arm around Marie as she tucked in against his side. Today he doesn't care about the past - today he's just going to walk on the beach and spend time with the woman he loves.

"You're up early."

[reluctantaccessory]

Marie remembered the first morning in this place. She had made the mistake of walking a tad too quietly and surprised him. The result was she found herself pinned to the floor with a gun pointed to her head. The woman had never forgotten to be mindful of how she walked when she was inside of the house from that point on. A little sound, but nothing that was "too much" was fine. It took a few hours to come up with a way that worked that would not surprise him.

Though to answer his question as she had before? He earned her just by coming back.

It was also one of the few mornings she remembered seeing him first thing and not coming back when it was completely light outside. It was a rare thing, but an enjoyable one.

She finds herself nodding in agreement, "Yes, yet you're still the first one awake." She pauses and then says like clockwork, "I have to ask if you slept any?" It was always the first question she asked. She gently grabbed for his hand after she spoke and gave it a gentle squeeze.

Then she finds herself giving a reassuring smile showing that she would be there, no matter what the answer was.

[delta_one]

Turning on Marie like that had terrified him and drove David out of the house for the rest of the day - sick with regret and fear. What if he'd have really hurt her? What if one day he hurt someone else while he was lost in a flashback?

Marie had found him, talked him into coming home and held him for the rest of the night. She was his touchstone, always bringing him back to himself, to David rather than Jason.

He smiles at the question, threading their fingers together. "For a bit - a few hours I think." Not enough, but it was a start. Maybe they could rest in the afternoon, doze away the heat of the afternoon. "Maybe we should have coffee on the beach? Watch the sun rise?" Simple pleasures. Things he could hold on to when his memories surged back, threatening to swamp him.

[reluctantaccessory]

She had quickly ran out after him once he had started to leave, though she made sure to give him some distance before grabbing his attention. Enough time to calm down and for the flashback to fade away, but not enough to make him assume she was afraid of him or upset in anyway and give him a reason to take off. It took reminding him that she was completely unharmed and promising to be careful, to even make enough noise so he would know she was around whether that would be heavy footsteps or even calling out as she walked in the doorway.

She made sure to stay awake that night to hold him, rubbing his shoulders or caressing his hair for a few moments, just being there. Occasionally, she would quietly mutter a few words of comfort, switching between both English and her native tongue. What she found herself repeating between both languages most often was, "Don't worry, my love."

"A few hours? That's better." Of course, she still worries, but she is happy to hear that he had actually slept for a noticeable amount of time and her smile widens. She knew that it was a start, in her eyes, a very good start.

She nods, showing that she understands the reason for why. She will wait for the right time to remind him that she believes in him, but for now. She could settle for watching the sun rise and having a cup of coffee before work. "Yes, let's. I would like that."

[delta_one]

After that incident, they'd worked out a system. How Marie could move around the house without worry and David could feel a little more secure, a little less on edge. If he had nightmares - he simply left the house for a time until he felt a little more stable. Calmer.

David always slept better in Marie's arms, listening to the soothing cadence of her voice and the warm path of her hands through his hair and along his arms and back. Those were the best nights, in his mind. He felt almost normal when they lay tangled together.

He hesitated as he passed by the journal on his way to refill their coffee. Not now. Later. "Then maybe I'll make breakfast?"

So he might be a spy or former assassin and deadly with any weapon put in his hands, but cooking? That was another adventure entirely. He liked to at least try, and bless Marie for putting up with some rather amusing kitchen mishaps so far.

[reluctantaccessory]

Some days the system came to her naturally, others she had to remind herself and think her way, through it. She had become used during her time alone to moving lightly, almost as if she had never been there.

She would be in agreement with feeling almost normal while they were lying together. If it would not be for the momentary reminders of everything that had happened, she knows they both feel like any "normal" couple. Most of the time, she would stay awake long enough for for David to fall into whatever sleep he was going to get for the night, but that particular night? She made sure to stay awake into the morning. She only got some rest when the afternoon had come and they had closed for a few hours.

She watched as he hesitated. "Making breakfast too? Do you want any help this time?"

She had learned how to cook a long time ago, she could make a few things and guess her way around plenty of others and still make something halfway decent. She gives a little amused smile at the thought of the last time he tried. It was thoughtful that he at least tried and the results were always a surprise.

[delta_one]

It was enough that Marie kept him close on those nights - holding him and reminding him softly that he was safe. There were days when David had a hard time hanging on to reality, but he could always reach out and find Marie. She was warm, strong, and he had never loved anyone more.

Turning his head to nuzzle into her hair, he smiled and just basked in the moment. Just another man with the woman he loved. Not a spy with huge gaps in his memory, he was just.. David.

"I was thinking I'd try something easy this time. Maybe pancakes?"

[reluctantaccessory]

She would always do so until he told her or showed her that he wanted otherwise. She would remind him of that often. That it would never change no matter what happened. She would serve as the anchor he needed.

It was the moments like this, the quiet ones that always seemed too short, that she was reminded that she had been correct about him in the first place. But, they were also the moments where she had started to forget everything that had happened, what she had been forced to become. Though, she could also say that she did not regret one single moment of it.

After a moment, she turned to embrace him, resting her head on his shoulder for a moment. A way of saying "thank you" and a way of reminding him that he could rely on her.

There was a little bit of a teasing tone of voice when she replies, "Pancakes? That would be easy. I think you could do it without much trouble, no...I know you could." If he listened carefully, he would probably tell there was a wide smile on her face now, a truly happy and content one in just how she said those words.

"Just remember to write your dream down...I promise you it will help. Don't wait too long."

[delta_one]

The quiet moments were the ones that helped pull David back to the present. Memories, no matter how brief, of a peaceful life where he was needed and loved. Safe. He didn't have fugue states often anymore, but when he did, it was always Marie who brought him back.

He laughs softly at her faith in him. Whatever he had done to ear someone so incredible he doesn't know - but it means everything to him. "If you're feeling up to the risk of me in the kitchen again."

David's smile tightens and he shakes his head. "Some days I don't think I want to remember. Who I was.. I don't think I would like him very much."

[reluctantaccessory]

The quiet moments were something that she was thankful for having. It gave her a way to guide him back from those states but it also gave her a few moments to give her own mind a sense of peace. It also reassured him that he was indeed wanted, loved, and safe. She knew they never lasted long enough, but there was more than enough of them to make up for the length of each one.

"You know if it ends up going badly in there, I'll just come right in there and fix it. I did that the last time, remember?" She shuts her eyes holding back a tiny chuckle at the memory. It only had taken her a moment to take control of the kitchen and salvage the burning food and make it edible enough for them. Though, the end result to his labor certainly had an interesting taste.

"I don't think you'll have that much trouble with making pancakes." She looks at him when she realizes that he was laughing softly. It makes her feel a little more at ease now and it eases her worry some more. However, it lasts only a second.

With a silent sigh, Marie pulls back a little and grasps his hand again, lacing her fingers with his. Her smile fades a little as she begins to speak. "Why don't you want to remember? Why do you think you wouldn't like him very much? What if you miss out on remembering something good?"

She wanted to understand why he did not want to. She saw how not knowing affected him sometimes and she had thought that remembering would ease some of it, if it could not relieve it entirely.

"You're strong, you know this." She grips his hand a little tightly. "You're strong."

[delta_one]

"I think I can handle pancakes," he murmurs, keeping Marie close for another moment.

The question gets a momentary pause before he tugs Marie towards the kitchen so they could talk. It's closer to the journal, but it's also something he needs to get out, something he needs to talk out with the one person outside of Alex Conklin that he trusts.

"Jason. He's violence. I wish I could explain, but he's.. darkness. Everything I don't want. Every time he threatens to come to the surface I have to push it back because I'm afraid it's going to ruin what we have here." Slowly he scrubs a hand across his face.

"I don't know if there's anything good there."

[reluctantaccessory]

She allows him to keep her close and then tug her into the kitchen. She sees the journal out of the corner of her eye.

Hearing it put that way, she at first can only find herself nodding. She tightens her grip on his hand and gently rubs the back of his hand with her thumb. "That's not -you-. You are not him. That is not the man you are. You know that, right? You are a good man, the light. You can keep it back, I know you can. It also won't ruin anything if we both don't let it."

She pauses when he mentions that he was not sure there was anything good there.

Eventually, she starts to speak again. Her tone still unwavering,"You can't know the answer to that unless you try. If you don't, are you sure you will be happy? These nightmares might be connected to not remembering." She moves her free hand towards his face and caresses his cheek gently.

"Just, it's your mind. We can take a break from trying to remember for now? Just live in the moment, like this?"

[delta_one]

As much as David would like to think that - he's not so certain most days. Marie is right and he knows it. He can't keep hiding, he can't keep back what he'd been. The longer he keeps it back, the more in danger he is of a break. He huffs gently into her hair. "Conklin thinks I need a therapist."

An idea he'd immediately shut down. What if he had a flash while in therapy? Could some poor therapist deal with an assassin?

"Just for today?" A hand smooths down her back. "I don't want to remember today. I just want today with us."

[reluctantaccessory]

"A therapist? It's a good idea, in theory..."

She has the feeling that he had shut that idea down as soon as it was mentioned, though she understood why. If he did have a flash in the middle of a session there was even the slightest chance that he wouldn't come back home to her. However, if he did break? She wondered what she could do to bring him back if he got to that point. Was there anything?

"I'm going to keep reminding you of this, being a broken record...you can trust me. With anything." She just wants him to know that if he can't speak to anyone else, he could with her.

She nods burying her face into his chest. "We can do that, a little longer even, if you want. Just us."

[delta_one]

He wraps his arms around her, keeping her close and breathing in the faintly floral scent of her hair. In theory, a lot of things were good ideas, but unleashing someone like Jason Bourne on a therapist was assuredly not one of them.

"I know. But I don't want you to be afraid of me," he murmurs softly. Marie is his anchor, the one thing that keeps David firmly in control. Where he needs to be. "I just want to be who I should have been all along."

[reluctantaccessory]

Marie shuts her eyes when he wraps his arms around her, letting herself relax a little bit.

"I'm not afraid of you. Not of you." She murmurs back, her voice slightly muffled. With a breath, she shuts her eyes for a few moments and just stays still before adding, "I just want to help you to do that, to stay that person. Let me help you, if you don't want a therapist to. Let me shoulder some of this with you, my love."

She wraps her arms around him, a simple attempt to keep him in place.